Boundaries

In general Nora Lee has gone to sleep easily. We have a bedtime routine and then she falls asleep. In the last month we had some issues which were not actually related to sleep but to being a three year old and pushing boundaries. Nora Lee is also usually quite well behaved. She is kind and considerate and can be reasoned with. But we went through a period of real challenges. We are on the other side of it now but I wanted to share the process.

It started slowly with an occasional refusal to do what was asked of her - resisting going to the bathroom when asked or putting on shoes, etc. We started putting her in "time-out" more often and then it stopped working. She would laugh and leave time out like it was a game. Then we started taking away things like her piggy bank or a beloved toy. This quickly stopped working too. I was feeling very nervous because none of these tactics felt right and yet I really didn't know what to do. Over a few weeks this escalated to a refusal to stay in bed at bedtime. She would laugh and basically say that she was in charge and wasn't going to go to bed. Right as this began, Matt went out of town and I went to San Diego. This was a very challenging week and one where I learned a ton!

I had read an approach online where you don't engage with the child you just lift her back in bed silently and do that as many times as you need for them to see that your serious and they need to stay in bed. That night I spent an hour and a half waiting outside her door and catching her running out and putting her back in bed. I felt calm and determined. She finally fell asleep from exhaustion. The next morning she apologized for getting out of bed. She had rug burns on her stomach from sliding off the bed so many times and my arms were very sore from lifting her onto the bed so many times. I felt successful and hopeful about the next bedtime.

The next night I was at my mom's house and I tucked her in and she started that terrible laugh and said "I'm gonna get out of bed again." My heart sank because I could see that she was ready for the game again and that the night before had not asserted myself as the boss but as a playmate. She was ready to do it all again. I started to cry. I knew I couldn't do it again, I was still recovering from the night before. I told her how upset I was and how sad I was. She put her hand on my back and started rubbing my back. She said, "Poor sad mama. Sometimes I'm just not going to do what you want my to do."

I was lost. I had no idea how to proceed. I had lost control and didn't know how to get it back. I walked out to my mom and Dario crying. She followed me. I explained what was happening. Dario looked Nora Lee in the eye and pointed his finger at her. He didn't yell but was very firm and said, "You need to got to bed. You are being disrespectful. This is my house and my rules and you are breaking them." Her lip started to quiver. The game was over. He continued, "We love you very much but you wont be welcome here again if you disrespect us." She burst out crying. I said "Do you want me to take you to bed now?" She nodded and she cried in bed for a few minutes and then fell asleep.

This was a turning point for me because I realized that what I was doing was no longer working like it had in the past. Through talking with my family and soul searching, I realized that the last few years were about building love and trust between Nora Lee and I but this new phase required me to be in total control and for her to know that without a doubt. Instead of picking my battles, I needed to win every one of them. Things that seemed to be inconsequential meant something now. When she and I played princesses and she asked me who I wanted to be, if I said Snow White and then she said, "No I'll be Snow White you be Ariel. I would have to say, "No I'm Snow White."

The next morning more tests began and I knew I had to pass this time. We were having a tea party and it went like this:

Nora Lee: What kind of cream do you want?
Sara: I would like vanilla please.
NL: You can have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.
S: No, I want vanilla. ( I started to pretend to pour the vanilla.)
NL: You're pouring chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla!
S: No, Im pouring vanilla. This isnt fun for me. You asked me what I wanted then gave me what you wanted me to have. Im not going to play any more.

She began to tear up but I continued walking to the kitchen. I started making breakfast. Mom and Dario came in and we greeted. Nora Lee felt the dynamics shift and didn't like it. My mom started scratching my back and we hugged good morning. Nora Lee said "Dont scratch her back!" My mom laughed and said, "Are you the queen?" That made Nora Lee cry. About half an hour later at breakfast Nora Lee started to interrupt my mom and I firmly said, "You need to wait your turn to talk." She did.

It took several days and nights to establish control. I had to get extremely firm with her at night. I told her she had pushed me too far and I let her think I might have gone crazy. I even had to hold her down and hold her face so she would look me in the eye and know how serious I was.

She started to play the game in Target of running away. I warned her once that if she went where she couldn't see me then we would leave the store. She loved that game so ran away. I picked her up and left a full basket of things (bummer for me but it paid off). After a few days of this firmness she stopped pushing. She wanted to cooperate again.

When Matt returned home he had to establish the same control. She really responded to him telling her what a brat was and she really didn't want to be a brat.

We are feeling successful and in control now. I never knew Id have to get as scary forceful as I did those first few nights - I call myself Crazy Mama. But I haven't had to pull her out and I think if I do, then Nora will respond quickly. I hope so...