The Next Thing

I've been thinking a lot lately about my own personal desire to be loved, to belong, and to be not only accepted by the group, but embraced and celebrated.  I've been reading some fascinating books by Brene Brown who is a shame and vulnerability researcher.  For any of you who are interested, she has done several TED talks and has a handful of books - all of which are fabulous.  

I'm aware of how much of our lives are spent in the pursuit of approval and connection and how often we take the long way to get there.  We use hair styles, clothing, wealth, and accomplishments to give us that hoped for love and connection, even when those things don't come close to bringing us those treasures.

It's really hard for me to be messy.  It's uncomfortable to take risks that might end with people rejecting me.  The thing that's so exhausting about wanting outside approval is that the outside is 7 billion other people with differing opinions.  Even if I would sacrifice myself and follow the outside, there is no one opinion!  Some like this, some like that.  Some think this is beautiful, some find it horrifying, and on and on and on.

I'm grateful that outside approval is so fleeting and can not be depended on.  The discomfort of this awareness brings me back to myself, if I've been away for a bit.  

Ultimately, I hope I choose to follow my own inner guidance, my own compass about my beauty, my worth, my preciousness.  I hope when I do go away, I come back quickly.  Because I'm the only one who can keep choosing to love me, no matter what, again and again.  

It takes courage and sometimes I don't feel courageous.