Boundaries

In general Nora Lee has gone to sleep easily. We have a bedtime routine and then she falls asleep. In the last month we had some issues which were not actually related to sleep but to being a three year old and pushing boundaries. Nora Lee is also usually quite well behaved. She is kind and considerate and can be reasoned with. But we went through a period of real challenges. We are on the other side of it now but I wanted to share the process.

It started slowly with an occasional refusal to do what was asked of her - resisting going to the bathroom when asked or putting on shoes, etc. We started putting her in "time-out" more often and then it stopped working. She would laugh and leave time out like it was a game. Then we started taking away things like her piggy bank or a beloved toy. This quickly stopped working too. I was feeling very nervous because none of these tactics felt right and yet I really didn't know what to do. Over a few weeks this escalated to a refusal to stay in bed at bedtime. She would laugh and basically say that she was in charge and wasn't going to go to bed. Right as this began, Matt went out of town and I went to San Diego. This was a very challenging week and one where I learned a ton!

I had read an approach online where you don't engage with the child you just lift her back in bed silently and do that as many times as you need for them to see that your serious and they need to stay in bed. That night I spent an hour and a half waiting outside her door and catching her running out and putting her back in bed. I felt calm and determined. She finally fell asleep from exhaustion. The next morning she apologized for getting out of bed. She had rug burns on her stomach from sliding off the bed so many times and my arms were very sore from lifting her onto the bed so many times. I felt successful and hopeful about the next bedtime.

The next night I was at my mom's house and I tucked her in and she started that terrible laugh and said "I'm gonna get out of bed again." My heart sank because I could see that she was ready for the game again and that the night before had not asserted myself as the boss but as a playmate. She was ready to do it all again. I started to cry. I knew I couldn't do it again, I was still recovering from the night before. I told her how upset I was and how sad I was. She put her hand on my back and started rubbing my back. She said, "Poor sad mama. Sometimes I'm just not going to do what you want my to do."

I was lost. I had no idea how to proceed. I had lost control and didn't know how to get it back. I walked out to my mom and Dario crying. She followed me. I explained what was happening. Dario looked Nora Lee in the eye and pointed his finger at her. He didn't yell but was very firm and said, "You need to got to bed. You are being disrespectful. This is my house and my rules and you are breaking them." Her lip started to quiver. The game was over. He continued, "We love you very much but you wont be welcome here again if you disrespect us." She burst out crying. I said "Do you want me to take you to bed now?" She nodded and she cried in bed for a few minutes and then fell asleep.

This was a turning point for me because I realized that what I was doing was no longer working like it had in the past. Through talking with my family and soul searching, I realized that the last few years were about building love and trust between Nora Lee and I but this new phase required me to be in total control and for her to know that without a doubt. Instead of picking my battles, I needed to win every one of them. Things that seemed to be inconsequential meant something now. When she and I played princesses and she asked me who I wanted to be, if I said Snow White and then she said, "No I'll be Snow White you be Ariel. I would have to say, "No I'm Snow White."

The next morning more tests began and I knew I had to pass this time. We were having a tea party and it went like this:

Nora Lee: What kind of cream do you want?
Sara: I would like vanilla please.
NL: You can have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.
S: No, I want vanilla. ( I started to pretend to pour the vanilla.)
NL: You're pouring chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla!
S: No, Im pouring vanilla. This isnt fun for me. You asked me what I wanted then gave me what you wanted me to have. Im not going to play any more.

She began to tear up but I continued walking to the kitchen. I started making breakfast. Mom and Dario came in and we greeted. Nora Lee felt the dynamics shift and didn't like it. My mom started scratching my back and we hugged good morning. Nora Lee said "Dont scratch her back!" My mom laughed and said, "Are you the queen?" That made Nora Lee cry. About half an hour later at breakfast Nora Lee started to interrupt my mom and I firmly said, "You need to wait your turn to talk." She did.

It took several days and nights to establish control. I had to get extremely firm with her at night. I told her she had pushed me too far and I let her think I might have gone crazy. I even had to hold her down and hold her face so she would look me in the eye and know how serious I was.

She started to play the game in Target of running away. I warned her once that if she went where she couldn't see me then we would leave the store. She loved that game so ran away. I picked her up and left a full basket of things (bummer for me but it paid off). After a few days of this firmness she stopped pushing. She wanted to cooperate again.

When Matt returned home he had to establish the same control. She really responded to him telling her what a brat was and she really didn't want to be a brat.

We are feeling successful and in control now. I never knew Id have to get as scary forceful as I did those first few nights - I call myself Crazy Mama. But I haven't had to pull her out and I think if I do, then Nora will respond quickly. I hope so...

Travel

There were entire fields full of wishes to make!

A camel stole my bucket!

A zebra right outside the window!




Grandma Donna and Nora Lee




VMI Parade

Grandpa Mike and Nora Lee

Military Parade at VMI



Grandpa Mike and Nora Lee

We just returned from spending a week in San Diego and then a week in Lexington, Virginia - all visiting family. Nora Lee did beautifully on the flight to and from the east coast. We only had one mishap when she fell in the toilet in the airport and bruised her leg. I was holding onto her and then lifted one of my arms so that I could grab the toilet paper. When I did, she fell in and started screaming "Mama you're hurting me!" Everyone in the bathroom (and outside the bathroom) were convinced I was torturing my child. When we finally got cleaned up and left the restroom Matt said, "What was going on in there!" Nora Lee dried her tears and said so sincerely to Matt, "Daddy, did that ever happen to you when you were little?" He lied and said yes.

Grandpa Mike and Grandma Donna live in a beautiful tiny town (about 7,000 people) in Virginia. It takes about ten minutes to drive into this town from where they live which is located in the Shenandoah Valley and absolutely stunning. Green everywhere and my personal heaven. We played in the yard and Grandpa Mike showed Nora Lee how to play golf, football and soccer. She even had her own sized golf clubs!

One of my favorite things on the trip was going to Safari Park. Incredible animals lived on acres of land and we got to drive our car through and feed them. They would actually stick their heads into the car! It was scary at times and totally thrilling!

We were in Virginia for five days and then we flew home. We ended up on an international flight with our own TVs and tons of movie choices. Nora Lee watched movies the whole way which was awesome. She got really tired near the end and fell asleep. Unfortunately we hadn't put her in a diaper so when we lifted her up to carry her out we realized she was sleeping in a pool of pee. Luckily the seats were leather and I got it cleaned up quickly and gave the flight attendant a heads up.

We are happy to be home and with Hogarth again. it was our first time away from him and all went well.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

We shot this a month or so ago when Nora Lee still couldn't saw her "L's". Its so cute! Matt worked with her and now she says "little star" but its so fun to have this version on tape.

Hogarth Steps in For Santa!

Nora Goes to Disneyland!

Last week we took Nora Lee on her first visit to Disneyland. When we first arrived we sat down to a wonderful buffet breakfast where many of the Disney characters come visit you at your table. She met Minnie and Chip but was very nervous when Captain Hook approached us. I asked him to keep on goin' which he gladly did :)

After breakfast we visited Sleeping Beauty's castle which was a little scary for her. As we exited she said, "We are safe at last."

We then went on Peter Pan and Its a Small World, both of which she loved. We also got to take a princess tour and meet Ariel, Sleeping Beauty, and Jasmine. This was also a big hit.

The other exciting things were when she got to drive the car in Autopia and the candy store (Im still excited by that!)

After about four hours she was pooped and ready to go home again.

It was such a sweet day.

Santa

Nora Lee met Santa the day after Thanksgiving. When it was her turn, she went up to him, looked him right in the eyes and said she wanted a new shirt, a lollipop, underwear and a wig. Santa got a heartbroken look on his face as he wondered if Nora Lee was a cancer patient wearing a wig. Mimi straightened him out and then, with a look of relief, he said, "So you'd like Halloween costume." Nora replied, "No, I want a wig!"

Thanksgiving

We spent Thanksgiving here in Los Angeles at home and were delighted to have my mom and Dario and my in-laws, Lee and John come join us for the holiday. It was such a treat to have them all here! We cooked delicious food, sat around chatting, Matt played the banjo and we had a feast. The next day we did a little Christmas shopping and then decorated our house for Christmas. It was a blast!